MS-DOS
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Donatello must defeat an impossible foe before everyone in the city is vaguely vaporized or irradiated by a vague and ill-defined plot threat.


_So the first time I watched the 2014 movie, when Don goes to hack the computer and save the world and he babbles that he never thought he would have to use this kind of a system because it's fifteen years old, this is exactly what I was picturing that he was doing while Shredder whacked his brothers around..._

 _I don't know anything about computer programming. I write ninja turtle fanfiction and file legal papers. So I guess if people try to explain MS-DOS to me or leave anonymous smart-ass reviews telling me that I don't know about computer programming, I'll just agree with you._

 _WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT THIS STUPID WEBSITE WON'T EVEN LET YOU PUT IN A COMMAND PROMPT, SO YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO IMAGINE THEM. I'M GOING TO GO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN NOW._

Leo grabbed the mad scientist by the collar and held him off the ground, a few inches from his intense and bloodied face. He snarled, "You will tell me how to stop this machine!"

Don wondered if Leo practiced his scary face in the mirror at home while he listened to Shakira and looked at pictures of puppies on his laptop. The fact that he had lived with Leonardo the Epic Ninja since birth and witnessed him in engaged in every imaginable bodily function rendered the expression useless on Don.

The mad scientist threw back his head and laughed, his grey grizzled hair blowing in the ion cloud emanating from the machine as it growled menacing with threat of implosion. The building shook deep at the foundation and Don held on to the edge of the computer console to steady himself. A cup of coffee skittered along the countertop and crash on the floor, spilling brown fluid on the floor. Don inwardly grieved for the loss of caffeine. The mad scientist said, "I will never tell you! Soon this city will fall to the demons of hell and you will be dragged down screaming as they tear your flesh from your bones, but not before you are violated in the worst..."

"So, Leo," Don said, yawning. "I guess I can hack into the computer of evil mad science and find the shut down sequence."

Leo dumped the mad scientist into a desk chair and it rolled away several feet with the impact of his throw. "I will take you with me then. I'm not afraid to die, but I assume you are. Anyone willing to kill this many innocents is a coward!" Leo drew both his swords with epic grace and watched the scientist with narrowed eyes. "Donatello, please search the computer while we chat."

Donatello...? Using his full name usually meant that shit just got real, Don thought as he sat at the computer and tapped the mouse to wake up the monitor.

The scientist cackled again and said, "He will not find anything! This computer is fool proof! No one can master this language! I have won! Your brother is useless to stop the machine now!"

"Let's not count our apocalypses before they irradiate everyone, friend," Don muttered as he stared at a blinking cursor on a black screen that read:

C / :

"What the fuck...?" he muttered as he watched the cursor blink benignly, waiting for a response. "C prompt? Is this...? Nobody has used this in fifteen years! You bastard!"

The scientist smiled grimly at Leo. "I will listen to your last words, young warrior."

"Why would you willingly use this?!" Don shouted, slamming a fist on the console and all the monitors trembled with trepidation. "Are you a masochist? No wonder all your employees jumped into that swirling portal into that dimension of torment when we said they could all go back to their offices!"

Leo dropped his swords to his sides and said, with the vocal tone of a normal teenager, "What's wrong? Just do something with the computer! We have like ten minutes here!"

"I'm trying!" Don stared at the blinking prompt and typed:

C :/ WINDOWS/EVIL EXIT . COM

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

Don tried again:

C : / WINDOWS/EVIL QUIT . COM

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

Don tried again:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL ESC . COM

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

Leo hovered behind Don's chair and squinted at the computer screen. He said, "Try the full word then. Try escape."

Don entered:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL ESCAPE . COM

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

"Maybe it's in Japanese because it belongs to Shredder. Try yamemasu," Leo suggested in Don's ear.

Don huffed and said, "I know Japanese as well as you do," as he typed on the keyboard:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL YAMEMASU . COM

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

Leo put a hand on Don's shoulder as he read the computer's reply with disappointment and said, "Can't you hack this thing and make it do what you want it to do?"

Don gasped dramatically and said, "Hack the computer! Thank you for the suggestion, Leo! I would never have thought of that if you didn't order me to do it!"

"I bet it's because you used romaji. Try it again in hiragana," Leo said as he lazily held the sword point out to the mad scientist's throat as he attempted to leave his chair. "Don't even try to move."

The building shook harder and the lights flickered. A red emergency light blinked to life in the fluorescent corridor, eerily mocking their failure. "This is MS-DOS 1.0, local version middle-of-butt-fuck-nowhere-India, Leo! It hardly speaks English! Go intimidate the evil scientist and let me work!"

Don blinked at the cursor on the screen and entered:

C : / WINDOWS EVIL / CLOSE . COM

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

One of the other monitors' cursor suddenly typed a response. Don wheeled the chair across the room and grabbed on to the desk as he nearly slid past. He read "Remote Weaponization Console 1 and 2 Observation" on a card above the monitor. "So you're some poor losers stuck typing at consoles in there with the weapon huh?" He watched, hoping that the employees would type in the correct command to shut down the ion weapon for him.

The Console 1 user typed:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL don are you using the other computer? Where's leo and that idiot scientist?

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL this isn't funny don! I'm in the room with this fucking thing and it's glowing and shit! Is this a messenger like yahoo messenger? I just told mike to get on the other computer and try to do something with it

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL well fuck you too then!

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

Don directed his attention to the Console 2 user station and read another line of prompt commands:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #YOLO

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #MYHUMPS

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #ONEPIECE

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #COWABUNGA

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #FREEPORN

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #IMCOMINGELIZABETH

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #KAMEHAMEHA

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL #FUCKMYLIFE

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.

Don tapped his fingers on the useless observation console and then drifted the wheeled chair back to the other computer terminal.

The scientist laughed with triumph as the air crackled with energy. He said, "No one can defeat MS-DOS!"

Leo pulled both his swords, pushing further into the energy cloud. "Tell me now!" He jabbed the point of his sword across his enemy's throat and drew a thin line of blood. "I will cut for every second of my time you waste!"

Don laughed under his breath and typed into the prompt:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL FUCK . COM

The computer screen flickered and then a large graphic reading: OVERRIDE ACCEPTED flashed on the screen.

Don jumped up from the desk and shouted, "Tiramisu for everybody! I'm buying!"

The red emergency light ceased shining eerily in the corridor and the ion weapon roared with a slow death knell as the energy source slowly dimmed. The air thinned and the crackling energy ceased.

"No! This system is infallible!" the scientist shouted.

Leo put his swords away and said, "Can I just have yogurt. Tiramisu is fatty."

As they left the evil scientist tied up in the desk chair, shouting evil threats at Microsoft for failing his perfect plan to purge the world of humans, Leo and Don watched the other the Console 1 user typing in the weapon room:

C : / WINDOWS / EVIL what just happened? Did we win?

The computer responded:

Bad command or file name.


End file.
